addicted to
i'm not here to win
i'm here to leave a legacy
it's the passion that drives you
endorphins
pain
exhaustion
chasing this insane dream
perfection
tagboard ;
guestbook
i don't know what to do. i am an embarrassment to myself. i can choose to look at the positive side of things but the negative side is too glaring to ignore.
whatever i worked so hard to achieve last year seems to have washed away into the drain, as if it never even happened. it's just so painful.. why can't i feel like it amounted to SOMETHING. instead i feel nothing but disadvantaged, worthless, inadequate and just plain lousy. i'll always be "THAT ONE" who almost but never quite made it.
i don't even know what i want. if you knew what my last remaining reason for training was you'd probably call me disturbed and weak. which i probably am.
but what is training and racing anyway? at the end of the day i still need my A level results. but i really need something BEYOND A levels to work towards. years of dreaming about doing the country proud don't do much good when recent episodes have caused me to totally dissociate myself from it.
maybe the bigger problem is that these things that are screwing my races up are reflective of how i handle life in general. be it studying or whatever. just that losing in life is going to cost me a lot more than just my self-esteem and sleep...
i'm sick of crying and feeling so horrid...
woah i honestly just want to bang my head on the wall till i bleed to death or something.
LIFE IS STUPIDDDDD. sigh.